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Friday, May 7, 2010

Today my mom would have been 60!

So this weekend is a tough one, Today is my Mama's birthday, and it doesn't help that mother's day is just two days away as well! I always have mixed sad feelings on mother's day. I miss not being able to let my mom know "Wow MOM, you were SO patient with me (did I really act like my 6 yr old!?) lol" And all the stuff I said to her as a teen "you don't really love me anyway"...I wish I could come back now...having been a mom, and say "thanks Mama". I know now, just BEING a mama, you couldn't love your child more! So after I get through the emotions of missing my own mother, I try to think positive of BEING a mommy myself. I think of my beautiful daughters. My twins who are 6! Maturing so perfectly. My cute-button nosed toddler who loves to make us laugh! My adorable, always smiling, not so planned hehe, 6 month old...and I smile at how blessed I am...but THEN these pulling, saddening thoughts hit me "I wonder how my mom would have been a grandma to my kids" "would she like my parenting style" "would she think I'm a good mom?" And then I am back to crying all over again! So. Either way I try to look at mother's day...it usually ends back at missing my Mama more than ever!
So to not leave all you readers (yea, all FOUR of you hehe)I will not leave you guys hanging with a cloud of misery over your heads! And not to be blunt. but "so my mom died". Very practical sounding I know. But life really doesn't end there, and why should I make it sound that way! I miss her yea... but so happy that there WILL be a happy ending to this life story :) I have learned so much from my Mom being gone. And I am actually very grateful! I have learned to lean on God. Be confident in my decisions. Hold all relationships closely. Let frustrations subside quicker. And kiss a little longer ;) My mom's life was relatively short. In fact, if I die when she did, I only have 22 yrs left. A good bit less than the life I have already lived! If I get sick when she got sick, I have less than 20 yrs! If I start feeling "not myself" when she did, I have about 15 yrs left. It really puts things in perspective doesn't it!? So live life! :) So I guess, although this time of year is saddening. At the same time..it's a reflective time, and almost motivating to me...to stay focused on what REALLY matters in life. My relationship with God. My love for my family and friends! And my outlook on life!
So with that said, I cherish my family and friends dearly! You never know how much longer you have with them. And I will pray tonight..like I pray every year "God, if it's possible, would you please tell Mama Happy Birthday and Happy Mother's Day for me, and that I love her so very much!! Amen"

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